LOL' Message Board Archive

August 26, 2002

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subject author date
  HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY    Brownie 4:10 am thursday august 15, 2002
  Things I've learned from my Children    Brownie 4:08 am thursday august 15, 2002
  why parents have gray hair    GAM 8:14 am thursday august 1, 2002
  Here's a great investment!    Goober 3:40 pm wednesday july 24, 2002
  NEW WORDS FOR 2002    Goober 7:12 pm monday july 15, 2002
     re: Learning Laundry    GAM 11:07 am thursday august 1, 2002
  Learning Laundry    Brian 12:30 pm saturday july 13, 2002
       re: Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name    Brian 12:20 pm monday august 5, 2002
     re: Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name    Michael 8:30 am sunday july 14, 2002
  Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name    Brian 12:25 pm saturday july 13, 2002
  Memories    Brian 12:22 pm saturday july 13, 2002
     re: Is this really true?    GAM 12:12 pm friday august 2, 2002
  Is this really true?    Michael 3:11 pm friday may 31, 2002
  Car for sale    JB 4:03 am sunday april 21, 2002
  Which dummy?    Jim Brown 4:00 am sunday april 21, 2002
  Rules    Jim Brown 3:54 am sunday april 21, 2002
  Spell checkers work!    Michael 7:15 am saturday april 20, 2002
     re: Dog Pet Peeves About Humans    GAM 2:43 pm wednesday july 31, 2002
  Dog Pet Peeves About Humans    Trish 11:11 pm tuesday april 16, 2002
  Real Woman vs. Martha Stewart    Trish 11:10 pm monday april 15, 2002
  The creation of Ohio!    Jim Brown 4:09 am saturday march 30, 2002
     re: From an ol' Geezer    Michael 12:12 pm friday march 29, 2002
  From an ol' Geezer    Jim Brown 4:25 am thursday march 28, 2002
  Think You Know Everything?    Trish 11:19 pm thursday march 14, 2002
  Dictionary for Parents    Trish 9:21 pm wednesday march 13, 2002
     re: Fun with Chocolate math    Swiv 7:29 pm monday march 4, 2002
  Fun with Chocolate math    Michael 9:41 pm sunday march 3, 2002
     re: Bungee Jumping    Swvil 3:26 pm saturday march 2, 2002
  Bungee Jumping    Trish 1:19 am saturday march 2, 2002
  One Wish    Goober 12:15 pm saturday february 16, 2002
     re: My Mother taught me...    Goober 10:35 pm thursday february 14, 2002
  My Mother taught me...    Jim Brown 1:12 am thursday february 14, 2002
     re: Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars    Trish 3:11 pm thursday february 14, 2002
  Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars    Goober 4:41 pm wednesday february 13, 2002
  Word Scramble    Trish 0:22 am monday february 11, 2002
  A Penny For Your Thoughts    Trish 0:48 am saturday february 9, 2002
  Urgent Health Advice    Trish 2:55 pm friday february 8, 2002
  Plink, Plink, Plink    Trish 1:33 pm thursday february 7, 2002
  King Arthur    Trish 1:39 am thursday february 7, 2002
  The Perfect Gift    Trish 6:50 pm wednesday february 6, 2002
  Love Your Computer    Trish 3:36 pm wednesday february 6, 2002
  Enron Q--&--A    Trish 9:11 am wednesday february 6, 2002
  Did you know?????    Goober 9:10 am sunday january 13, 2002
  Do you know...?    Jim Brown 0:23 am saturday november 24, 2001
  Children    Goober 9:45 pm sunday november 18, 2001
  Did you hear...?    Brownie 1:50 am sunday november 18, 2001
     re: The Bin guys    Michael 10:10 am friday november 2, 2001
  The Bin guys    Jim Brown 1:21 am thursday november 1, 2001
  God Bless!    Goober 0:09 am tuesday october 30, 2001




HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY  Brownie  4:10 am thursday august 15, 2002


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Things I've learned from my Children  Brownie  4:08 am thursday august 15, 2002
Things I've Learned From My Children

1.  A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.

2.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.  A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded

4.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a

   42-pound- boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.  

   It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can to
spread paint on all four walls of a

   20 by 20 foot room.

5.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is

   When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the
ball up a

  few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.

6.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.

8.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.  A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year-old man says

   they can only do it in the movies.  Also, a magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10.  Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a

11.  Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same

12.  Super glue is forever.

13.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you
still can't walk on water.

14.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.  VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.

16.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

17.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on -- plastic
toys do not like ovens.

19.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

20.  It will however make cats dizzy.

21. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
why parents have gray hair  GAM  8:14 am thursday august 1, 2002
Why parents have gray hair.
This is a telephone conversation between a child and the boss of
one of the parents...

An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for
work, decides to give him a call.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the
person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," whispered the
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled
giggle: "Me."
Here's a great investment!  Goober  3:40 pm wednesday july 24, 2002
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50
of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less
than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser
(the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then
turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit (in Michigan), you would have
$214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle in Michigan.
 NEW WORDS FOR 2002  Goober  7:12 pm monday july 15, 2002
Any of these terms seem familiar to you?

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why
deadline was missed or a  project failed, and who was

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps on everything, and then  leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which  some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by  kissing up to the boss rather than
working hard.

SALMON DAY: The  experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with  cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone  yells or drops something loudly
in a cube farm, and  people's heads pop up over the walls  to
see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the
couch potato.

SITCOMS: Single  Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one  of stops
working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived  first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no  property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A  person who seems to thrive on being stressed
out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for  swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment  and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find  yourself unable to stop watching them.  
The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's  Grand Jury
testimony is  another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine  art of whacking the s--- out
of an electronic device to  get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH:  The taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the
arm reboot for Mac II computer  involves simultaneously pressing
the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the  Power
On key. For Windows it's  Ctrl, Alt, Delete simultaneously.

ADMINISPHERE:  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above  the rank and file. Decisions that fall from  the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate  or
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found", meaning that the  requested document
could not  be located.

GENERICA: Features of the  American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter  where one is, such as fast food joints,
strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule  fraction of time in which
you realize that you've just  made a BIG mistake.
re: Learning Laundry  GAM  11:07 am thursday august 1, 2002
OH, BRIan! You poor thing.  I have one just like you.  There 's
hope, love!  Hang in there.  Shut your eyes if it helps.
And about the sheets, mine can now fold them as well as I can.  
Practice can and does make perfect.
Learning Laundry  Brian  12:30 pm saturday july 13, 2002
I don't know when or why the decision was made to teach me
the "mysteries of doing laundry".  (Ladies, you may now laugh.)  
All I know is that one day Mom asked me to gather up the various
laundry baskets and bring them to the laundry room for her.  
Once there, she was ready for her prey.

"Oh, honey, could you help me with the sorting?"

I knew a lot less about sorting clothes than I did critters, but
I agreed and started in.

"BRIan, what are you DOING?"

"I'm separating darks from lights."

"Why is this red shirt in with the blue jeans and WHY are my
undies and bras sitting in a separate basket?"

Thus began a lecture about separating clothes along with not
being embarrassed about feminine undies.  (Ladies, to this very
day, I still blush in the feminine undies area of any store.  If
you ask what I like, I'd like to be anywhere else!)

THEN came adding detergents and fabric softener.  Since these
can be measured and poured in, I graduated quickly.  (Spot
removal, took even more time.  Mom seemed to have a fetish about

Next was the drying.

"BRIan,  why did you set my nighties on HIGH heat?"

Thus began a lecture about different fabrics, heat settings,
drying times, and not being embarrassed by a woman's nighties.  
(You ain't getting me into Victoria's Secret)

FINALLY we came to folding and hanging time.  I did pretty well
until it came to sheets and women things.

With sheets, I was OK until it came to those insidious fitted

"BRIan, you look like you're in hand to hand combat with an
octopus!  WATCH while I do it."

(While she made it look easy, it took me the longest time to
figure out how!)

Then came folding and hanging her things.  With hanging outer
garments, I had no problems.  It was the others....

"BRIan, this is how to fold these.  Why are you blushing?  I
THOUGHT we had discussed this!"

Everyone else may now chime in!!

re: Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name  Brian  12:20 pm monday august 5, 2002
Both I and another remember the full name calling.  I also
remember Willow trees.
re: Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name  Michael  8:30 am sunday july 14, 2002
What I remember the most was that besides the different pitches
and intensity was that Ma & Pa would always say my full name....
"Michael Wayne Moore - you get over here right now!"  I knew I'd
done wrong then. Willow trees have a special place in my heart ;)
Ways A Mother Says A Child's Name  Brian  12:25 pm saturday july 13, 2002
Back in the ancient days, I soon learned that Mom had three ways
of saying my first name.  

One was to start with the first syllable low then finish with
the last syllable on a higher note ("briAN, you get in here
RIGHT NOW!").  That meant you were in DEEP trouble.

The second was to start with a higher pitch then finish lower
("BRIan,  I am so disappointed.").  That meant you were on quaky
ground and had best try to come up with SOME excuse.  The best
you could expect was a lecture!

The third was to have your name said with an even pitch ("Brian,
I think you did pretty well.")  That meant you were not going to
be punished, and could even ask for  a soda.

If any of you can think of anything more to add to this, please
feel free!

Memories  Brian  12:22 pm saturday july 13, 2002
I wrote a couple of e-mails today about my youth.  "Ways a
Mother Says Your Name" and "Learning Laundry".  I decided to
post them here as they might generate a smile.
 re: Is this really true?  GAM  12:12 pm friday august 2, 2002
True or not, it's a GREAT story...
Is this really true?  Michael  3:11 pm friday may 31, 2002
Received this in an email and I'm wondering if it is really

On July 20, 1969, as Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

 Car for sale  JB  4:03 am sunday april 21, 2002
Car For Sale
An exceedingly attractive young blonde young lady tried to sell
her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it,
because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a
The friend informed her, "There is a possibility to make the car
easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the lady, "if I only can sell the
"Okay," said the friend. "Here is the address of a friend of
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn
the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not
be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the young lady made the trip to the
About one month after that the friend asked her, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied the young lady,

"Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
 Which dummy?  Jim Brown  4:00 am sunday april 21, 2002
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to
entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a
big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating
blonde jokes.

"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do
a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a
human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a
person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...
all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the
blonde pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on
your knee!"
Rules  Jim Brown  3:54 am sunday april 21, 2002
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew

1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in
an argument.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap-opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done -- not both.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
Spell checkers work!  Michael  7:15 am saturday april 20, 2002
and another one worth a good chuckle......
Copy and past this somewhere where you have a spell checker and
see how many mistakes will come up! LOL

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye srike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rate lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans  Trish  11:11 pm tuesday april 16, 2002

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg

2. Blaming your gassiness on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A  DOG! YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over
everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your
toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet.  Why'd you
buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know
the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why
we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize
how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. We won't even go into detail about what you humans do in
our water bowl!!!!
Real Woman vs. Martha Stewart  Trish  11:10 pm monday april 15, 2002

Martha's way #1:  Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:  Just suck the ice cream out of the
bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake; you are probably lying on
the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:  To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple
in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:  Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and
keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:  When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:  Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate
it for you.

Martha's way #4:  If you accidentally over-salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb
the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:  If you over salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me, The Real
Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care
how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:  Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in
the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:  Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:  Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust
before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:  The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do
not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't
do it.

Martha's way #7:  Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in
half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:  Martha, dear, the only reason this works
is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the
headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:  If you have a problem opening jars, try using
latex dishwashing gloves.  They give a non slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:  Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip......

Martha's way #10:  Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:  Leftover wine??????
The creation of Ohio!  Jim Brown  4:09 am saturday march 30, 2002
The creation of Ohio

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for
six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting
on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For
example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle
East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will
be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large
land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.
The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
proclaimed,"What about balance, God?" "You said there would be

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting
around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and
re: From an ol' Geezer  Michael  12:12 pm friday march 29, 2002
Amen Brother! May we NEVER forget!
From an ol' Geezer  Jim Brown  4:25 am thursday march 28, 2002
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem,
Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without
embarrassment. They know the words and
believe in them. Old Geezers remember World War I, the
Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor,Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,
the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing,
not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will
apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod
or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are
courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person
and always,when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside
for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women
and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's
about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected,
not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in
the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need
them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers!
Think You Know Everything?  Trish  11:19 pm thursday march 14, 2002

Think You Know Everything?

1.  Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.

2.  Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3.  There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4.  The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5.  The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6.  There are more chickens than people in the world.

7.  Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8.  The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is "screeched."

9.  On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.

10.  All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on

11.  No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.

12.  "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".

13.  All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15.  Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a

16.  Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one

17.  There are only four words in the English language which
end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and

18.  Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19.  A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20.  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21.  Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22.  In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is

23.  Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture

24.  The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named
after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank
Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25.  A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26.  A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27.  A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28.  It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29.  The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30.  In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to

31.  The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32.  Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33.  The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34.  There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35.  "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only
the left hand.

NOW that you know everything... You could be a TEENAGER!!!

Dictionary for Parents  Trish  9:21 pm wednesday march 13, 2002
Parent Definitions

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a
completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going
to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time
you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling
it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a
re: Fun with Chocolate math  Swiv  7:29 pm monday march 4, 2002
If you use 0 (numeric zero) in the first step, the results are
your age.
Fun with Chocolate math  Michael  9:41 pm sunday march 3, 2002

This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked
it out! This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a  week that
you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than
once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the

5. If you have already had your birthday this  year add 1752....
If  you haven't,
add 1751 ..........  

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number .....

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many
times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are ...........

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)

re: Bungee Jumping  Swvil  3:26 pm saturday march 2, 2002
A true classic!  I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.
Bungee Jumping  Trish  1:19 am saturday march 2, 2002
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee
jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and
buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When
they had finished, there was such crowd they thought it would
be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he
falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time
he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. He falls
again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed
up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was
the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine.
It was the crowd... WHAT THE HELL IS A PINATA?"
One Wish  Goober  12:15 pm saturday february 16, 2002
Subject: one wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
"Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his
head and in a booming voice the lord said, "because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.  Besides,
think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.  The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific'. The concrete and
steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another
wish, a wish you would think would honor me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how
they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they
say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman happy."

After a few minutes God said, You want two lanes or four on that
 re: My Mother taught me...  Goober  10:35 pm thursday february 14, 2002
Happy Valentine's Day to all the Moms of the world!
My Mother taught me...  Jim Brown  1:12 am thursday february 14, 2002
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you!
Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...

"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX....

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age,
you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....
Then you'll see what it's like!"
 re: Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars  Trish  3:11 pm thursday february 14, 2002
That one *did* make me LOL -- Thanks!  :-)


:Subject: Fw: airplane ride
Subj: Fw: Stumpy & His Wife....

Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."

And every year, Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten

"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you
say one word, it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all
kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is
heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of, to get you to yell out, but you

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha

But ten dollars is ten dollars."
Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars  Goober  4:41 pm wednesday february 13, 2002
Subject: Fw: airplane ride
Subj: Fw: Stumpy & His Wife....

Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that
there airplane."

And every year, Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten

"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you
say one word, it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all
kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is
heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of, to get you to yell out, but you

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha

But ten dollars is ten dollars."
Word Scramble  Trish  0:22 am monday february 11, 2002
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale -- (PLEASE NOTE: This last one may be
offensive to some, so I'm giving fair warning and leaving
adequate space below.  Personally, I don't think it's so bad...)


It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and
using each letter only once) into:
A Penny For Your Thoughts  Trish  0:48 am saturday february 9, 2002
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their infant's
crib. As she watched him looking down at their very first baby,
she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:  Disbelief, doubt,
delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.  "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied.  "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Urgent Health Advice  Trish  2:55 pm friday february 8, 2002

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also
a good source of field grass (a green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance
of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, divide everything in the world into
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know
that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to one If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain ..Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of
mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in
record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the
best, feel-good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
Plink, Plink, Plink  Trish  1:33 pm thursday february 7, 2002
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I
looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."


"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
(Ready for this?)
(I'm warning you.....)
(Still not too late..... delete now!)
"You're simply going through the change."
King Arthur  Trish  1:39 am thursday february 7, 2002
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of
a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but
was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.  So the monarch offered
him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if,
after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question, what do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,
and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since
it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition
to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the
princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court
jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old
witch--only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but
he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to
marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table
and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises...
etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such
a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He
told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence,
their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The
neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and
courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and
generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight
awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before
him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when
she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during
the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During
the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at
night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he
prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't
read until you've made your own choice.

 Scroll down to see the answer

 Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.

 What is the moral of this story?
   (scroll down)

The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get
The Perfect Gift  Trish  6:50 pm wednesday february 6, 2002
The other day my son and I were talking, and the subject of
women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a
Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son,
and yet, far too often, we fathers avoid the subject, because
it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts
for women.

This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was
my father, who was a very thoughtful man, but who once gave my
mother, on their anniversary, the following token of his love,
his commitment, and...yes his passion for her: an electric
blanket. He honestly could not understand why, when she opened
the box, she gave him that look (you veteran men know the look I
mean). After all, this was the deluxe model electric blanket!
With an automatic thermostat! What more could any woman WANT?

Another example: I once worked with a guy named George who, for
Christmas, gave his wife, for her big gift...and I'm not making
this up... a chain saw. (As he later explained: "Hey, we NEEDED
a chain saw.") Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his
wife unwrapped it.

The mistake that George and my dad made, and that many guys
make, was thinking that when you choose a gift for a woman, it
should do something useful. Wrong! The first rule of buying

For example, let's consider two possible gifts, both of which,
theoretically perform the same function:

GIFT ONE: A state-of-the-art gasoline-powered lantern, with
electronic ignition and dual mantles capable of generating 1,200
lumens of light for 10 hours on a single tank of fuel.

GIFT TWO: A scented beeswax candle, containing visible particles
of bee poop and providing roughly the same illumination as a
lukewarm hot dog.

Now, to a guy, Gift One is clearly superior, because you could
use it to see in the dark. Whereas to women, Gift Two is MUCH
better, because women love to sit around in the gloom with
reeking, sputtering candles. Don't ask ME why. I also don't know
why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her a 56-piece
socket-wrench set with a reversible ratchet, but thrilled if you
gave her a tiny, very expensive vial of liquid with a name
like "L'essence de Nooquie Eau de Parfum de Cologne de Toilette
de Bidet," which, to the naked male nostril, does not smell any
better than a stick of Juicy Fruit. All I'm trying to say is
that this is the kind of thing women want.(That's why the
ultimate gift is jewelry, it's totally useless.)

The second rule of buying gifts for women is: YOU ARE NEVER
FINISHED. This is the scary part, the part that my son and his
friends are just discovering If you have a girlfriend, she will
give you, at a MINIMUM, a birthday gift, an anniversary gift, a
Christmas gift, and a Valentine's Day gift, and every one of
these gifts will be nicely wrapped AND accompanied by a
thoughtful card. When she gives you this gift, YOU HAVE TO GIVE
HER ONE BACK. You can't just open your wallet and say "Here's,
let's see... 17 dollars!"

And, as I told my son, it only gets worse. Looming ahead are
bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, Mother's Day and other
Mandatory Gift Occasions that would not even EXIST if men, as is
alleged, really ran the world. Women observe ALL of these
occasions, and MORE. My wife will buy gifts for NO REASON.
She'll go into one of those gift stores at the mall that men
never enter, and she'll find something, maybe a tiny cute box
that could not hold anything larger than a molecule, and is
therefore useless, and she'll buy it PLUS a thoughtful card, and
other women are doing the same thing, getting further and
further ahead, while we guys are home watching instant replays.
We have no chance of winning this war.

That's what I told my son. It wasn't pleasant, but it was time
he knew the truth. Some day, when he's older and stronger, we'll
tackle an even more difficult issue, namely, what to do when a
woman asks: "Do these pants make me look fat?"

(Answer: Flee the country.)

Love Your Computer  Trish  3:36 pm wednesday february 6, 2002
At least once a day, without fail, my computer, like every
computer I have ever owned, has some kind of emotional
breakdown. It simply stops working.. often when I'm not touching
it... and it puts a message on the screen informing me that an
error has occurred. It does not say what the error is, nor where
it occurred. For all I know, it occurred in New Zealand, and my
computer found out about it via the Internet, and became so
upset that it could not go on.

When this happens I have to turn my computer off and start it up
again. When I do, my computer puts a snippy note on the screen
informing me that it is scanning its disks for errors, because
it was shut down improperly.

"But I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" I shout, but my computer ignores me,
because it is busy scanning its disks. You just know that if it
finds any errors, it's going to blame me, even though I don't
even know where its disks ARE.

While my computer is busy, I scan my wart. I have a wart on my
right leg. It has been there for many years. I call it Buddy. I
keep an eye on Buddy, in case his appearance changes. I've read
that it's a bad thing, medically, when a wart suddenly changes
appearance. If I ever look down and see that Buddy has turned
green, or he's wearing a little pair of Groucho glasses, I'll
know it's time to take some kind of medical action. Such as quit

But my point is that because of computer weirdness, I regularly
see an entire morning's work... sometimes as many as 18 words...
get blipped away forever to the Planet of Lost Data. Needless to
say, I use Microsoft Windows. I've been a loyal Windows man
since the first version, which required you to write on the
screen with crayons. Every year or so, Microsoft comes out with
a new version, which Microsoft always swears is better and more
reliable, and I always buy it. I bought Windows 2.0, Windows
3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME,
Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strike Back, Windows
Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the
Size of Vermont.

My computer keeps having seizures, but I keep buying Windows
versions, hoping I'll get lucky. I'm like the loser in the
nightclub who keeps hitting on the hot babe. His shoes are
squishing from all the drinks she poured on him, but he's
thinking: "She's warming up to me!"

I bring this all up because now Microsoft has a new version out,
Windows XP, which according to everybody is the "most reliable
Windows ever." To me, this is like saying that asparagus is "the
most articulate vegetable ever."

But I'm still tempted. "Maybe this will be the one," I say to
Buddy, as the two of us wait for the disks to be scanned.

If I do get Windows XP, I won't try to install it myself. I no
longer mess with the innards of my computer. The last time I
tried was a disaster, even though I enlisted the aid of my
friend Rob, a medical doctor who is the most mechanically
inclined person I know. Rob can disassemble and successfully
reassemble a live human being. He and I recently spent an entire
weekend trying to solve an allegedly simple computer problem. We
wound up at the computer store, talking to guys who were trained
by the Monty Python Institute of Customer Service.

US: So, what do we need to make it work?

THEM: You need a model FRT-2038 expostulating refrembulator.

US: And that will make it work?


Finally, I hired a guy named J.C., who is a Microsoft Certified
Technician. He was in my office for the better part of two days,
most of it on the phone with Technical Support. It was
fascinating for me, a layperson, to hear the technical
terminology that J.C. used to get the information he needed: "DO
HELLO?? YOU..!" (very nontechnical term)

In the end, J.C. solved the problem. So now I'm thinking about
hiring him again. Because the more I think about this Windows
XP, the better it looks, sitting over there by the bar, drinking
a pina colada. All I have to do is make my move, and I'll have
what every guy dreams of: computer reliability!

I worry about who will take care of Buddy.
Enron Q--&--A  Trish  9:11 am wednesday february 6, 2002
If you're an average layparson, your grasp of high finance
consists of knowing your ATM code. So you're probably bewildered
by this scandal surrounding the collapse of Enron, which had
been the seventh-largest corporation in America.(The sixth-
largest is the guys who go "WHASSSSSSUP!")

So today we're going to explain the Enron story in the Q & A
format, using simple financial terms that you can understand,
such as "dirtballs."

Q. How, exactly, did Emron make money?

A. Nobody knows. This is usually the case with corporations
whose names sound like fictional planets from Star Wars.
Allegedly, Enron was in the energy business, but when outside
investigators finally looked into it, they discovered that the
only actual energy source in the entire Enron empire was a
partially used can of Sterno in the basement of corporate

Using a financial technique called "leveraging," Enron
executives were able to turn this asset into a gigantic
enterprise whose stock was valued at billions of dollars.

Q. What does "leveraging" mean?

A. Lying.

Q. Why didn't Wall Street realize that Enron was a fraud?

A. Because Wall Street relies on "stock analysts." These are
people who do research on companies and, no matter what they
find, even if the company has burned to the ground,
enthusiastically recommend that investors buy the stock. They
are just a bunch of cockeyed optimists, those stock analysts.
When the Titanic was in its death throes, with the propellers
sticking straight up into the air, there was a stock analyst
clinging to a rail, asking people around him where he could buy
a ticket for the return trip.

Q. So the analysts gave Enron a favorable rating?

A. Oh yes. Enron stock was rated as "Can't Miss" until it became
clear that the company was in desperate trouble, at which point
analysts lowered the rating to "Sure Thing." Only when Eron went
completely under did a few bold analysts demote its stock to the
lowest possible rating, "Hot Buy."

Q. What other stock are these analysts currently recommeding?

A. Mutual of Taliban.

Q. Doesn't Enron have a board of directors whose members are
responsible for overseeing the corporation?

A. Yes. They are paid $300,000 a year.

Q. So how could they have allowed this flagrant deception to go

A. They are paid $300,000 a year.

Q. But didn't Enron have outside auditors? Why didn't they
discover and report these problems?

A. Yes, Enron had one of the most venerable auditing firms in
the nation.

Q. What do you mean by "venerable?"

A. We mean "stupid." As a result, Enron executives were able to
deceive the auditors via slick and sophisticated accounting

AUDITOR: OK, so you're saying you made $600 million in profit?


AUDITOR: Can I see it?

EXECUTIVE: Sure! It's right here in my desk! UH-oh! The desk
drawer is stuck!

AUDITOR: Wow! Just like last year!

Q. What should be done to punish the Enron executives dirtballs
who, knowing the company was in trouble, cashed in their own
stock and screwed thousands of small investors.

A. In the interest of putting this ordeal behind us, we believe
they should receive only a slap on the wrist.

Q. Really?

A. With a hatchet.

Q. Isn't that a pretty severe punishment?

A. Actually, it's been deemed harmless.

Q. By whom?

A. Wall Street analysts.
Did you know?????  Goober  9:10 am sunday january 13, 2002


1. The first couple to be shown in bed together
on prime time TV  were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print than women can;  
women can hear better.
5. The state with the highest percentage of people
who walk to work:

6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
 ( now get this...)
7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness:  38%
8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:..........$6,400
9. The average number of people airborne over the US any given
10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and  lived in
China in 1910.
12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter:  Tom Sawyer.
14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile  National
15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents! a great
king from history:

  Spades - King David,

  Hearts - Charlemagne,

  Clubs -Alexander, the Great

  Diamonds - Julius Caesar
16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs in  the air, the person died in battle. If the horse
has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the
ground, the person died of natural  causes.
18. Only two people signed the Declaration of  Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5
years later.
20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English
21. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed  stadium
has ever won  a Super bowl.
23. The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A.
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name
requested? A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to
go until you
would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laserprinters all have in common? A. All invented by women.
! Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any  other day
of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs  Bunny) is
the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on  bed frames
by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the
bed firmer
to  sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years  ago that
for a month after the! wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey
beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was
called the honey month or what we know today  as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and  quarts. So in
old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at  them
mind their
own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a  whistle
baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet
your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this  practice.
5. In ancient England a person ! could not have sex  unless you
had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family).
When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the
King,  the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door
while they were having sex.
The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King)
on it. Now  you know where that came from.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the  English language.
Do you know...?  Jim Brown  0:23 am saturday november 24, 2001

  Do fish get cramps after eating?
  Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
  Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
  How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  How come you press harder on a remote-control
   when you know the battery is dead?
  How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
  If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be    
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
   would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
  Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
  Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
  Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?
   Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
  Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
   they already know you don't have?
  Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you
   them what time it is?
  Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for
something new?
  Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are
   charge of everything outdoors?
  Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
  Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're
   waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -
   as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when
   you pressed it the first time?
  Why is the alphabet in that order?
  Why is there only *one* Monopoly commission?
  You know how most packages say "Open here"... so
   What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere
Children  Goober  9:45 pm sunday november 18, 2001

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't". "Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!" says Eve "Yes way!" says Adam

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" Adam and Eve both ask.

"Because I am your father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked. "

Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!" said Eve. "Did too!" "DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!

But there is reassurance in this story.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. 

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day -- If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut--up.

Grandchildren are God's reward to you for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat everything word for word that you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago, but they're still getting in!

Anyway, be nice to your children, they'll probably choose your nursing home.

Did you hear...?  Brownie  1:50 am sunday november 18, 2001
* Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

* Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a sheep with a

They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

* Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel,
and Fabio had?

They're no longer on a first-name basis.

* Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into
the shoe shop?

He asked, "Do you have any flip-flips?"
 re: The Bin guys  Michael  10:10 am friday november 2, 2001
Thanks did somehow become jumbled - apparent operator
problems...(me being the operator).  I like your original, it is
much better.  Bin Hope'n we'd see you here!  
The Bin guys  Jim Brown  1:21 am thursday november 1, 2001
I want to thank Mike for posting this joke when I sent it to
him! Some bugs jumped into it and ate some of the words!! This
is how it was supposed to read!!

Office security-Special Bulletin

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4
suspected terrorists working in our building. Three of the four
have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into
Security advised us that they could find no one
fitting the description of the fourth suspect, Bin Workin, in
the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.

The Management

And I think I saw another one outside who said his name was Bin
God Bless!  Goober  0:09 am tuesday october 30, 2001
In a message dated 9/20/2001 3:40:57 PM Eastern Daylight Time, [email protected] writes: > Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot, 

But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not. >

The Binch hated U.S! The whole U.S. way! >

Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say, >

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight. >

Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright >

But I think that the most likely reason of all >

May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. > >

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban, > He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban. > "They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch. > "They're raising their families! They're going to church! > They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving, > I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!" > > Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's, > Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses, > They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools, > And abide by their U and S values and rules, > And then they'd do something he liked least of all, > Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small, > Would stand all united, each U and each S, > And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!" > All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand, > and their voices would drown every sound in the land. > > "I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk, > And he had an idea--an idea that might work! > The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours, > And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers. > "They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour, > "And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?" > > The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping, > All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping, > Instead he heard something that started quite low, > And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow-- > And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing... > And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing! > > He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes, > What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise! > Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small, > Was singing! Without any towers at all! > He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung! > For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young, > Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride, > And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside. > > So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall, > With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small, > And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope, > For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope. > > For America means a bit more than tall towers, > It means more than wealth or political powers, > It's more than our enemies ever could guess, > So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless! > > Written by Paul Cook > Music Specialist, River's Edge Elementary